urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:p3nguinprinc3ss Babble of a Pebble Petra 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:p3nguinprinc3ss:199677 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z ...<br />Aahh! I can't seem to get to work on my guinea pig ileum write up :'(<br />I NEED TO DO IT!!<br />I dont want to have to do the whole all nighter thingie like usual.. <br />I will have this done before wednsday..<br />I will.<br />I will.<br />I will.<br /><br />Went home this weekend to spend the weekend doing a whole lot of nothing on the sofa, with my laptop. SUPPOSED to be doing the lab report. But really just wouldnt. would do 5 minutes of research and then 3 hours of youtube-ing.<br /><a name="cutid1"></a><div class="ljcut" text="omigosh . Emo alert."><br /> could have gone out and visited peoples.. Didnt really want to/feel like it..<br /> Am sort of being anti-social me thinks.. Making excuses for avoiding peoples. <br /> I just dont feel like.. hello peoples, I am Petra. I am 19 and have issues XD BE MY FRIEND XD<br /> <br /> I heart my friends.. but meh. Am feeling very meh. Are they true? Are they just there? Do they really care about me? Where do I stand with them? Do they think about me when I'm not around? Do they smile and laugh and at our private jokes?<br /> <br /> Has anyone else had the feeling that they care more about their friends than their friends do back?<br /> I have a lot of one-sided friendships :(<br /> but what do I expect? I cant be having intimate conversations with everyone. I cant. Physically cant.. <br /> <br /> I get what they say about comedians depression or what not.. (not calling myself funny XD I am just foreign XD)<br /> When you put on a show all the time, people expect you to play your character all the time.. but when you want to be yourself.. they get a bit switchy..<br /> Like Petra --&gt; Fun time happy happy huggy very nice to listen to me person XD --&gt; YAY!!!<br /> and Petra likes this.. I love laughing and being happy, and listening to people and feeling like I am somehow helping them in some way just by listening and if need be giving my opinion. <br /> <br /> <b>I love helping my friends out.</b><br /> <br /> But who do I turn to when I need to talk.. when Petra is not feeling very happy. When petra is feeling like crap and yet worste than crap?<br /> I don't have a me.. I just have myself .. if that makes sense.. <br /> with certain people I always try to let them know that whatever I'm doing, whenever I'm doing it, I care, if they need ANYTHING, let me know, and I will try. I have said this to them.. and they have taken me up on it and I was happy. because its friendship.<br /> <br /> Friendship is about being there for another person. be it there to laugh with them, there to help them, there to attack joggers in hyde park with.. <br /> I just always thought it being reciprocal was like an unspoken rule.. but its not, and thats depressing.. <br /> <br /> people will try to take as much as they can from you by giving as little as possible.. and then come back for more.. and its fine.. cos they are my friends and I have so much love for them. <br /> But where does it end? when do I get to cry on someones shoulder? Who is going to make time for me? that isnt going to make me pretend im fine, make up some quick solution in my head to ease them.<br /> Isnt going to make me give them a fake thankful eased smile and thank them for being there, even though it was out of their way. <br /> <br /> Talking is hard peoples.. Feelings and things arent simple.. Talking without fear of rejection or persecution (dramatic phrasing but you get the gist) is almost impossible.<br /> Thinking is evil. I think too much. Over think. Won't sleep sometimes just because I can't stop thinking..<br /> Doubting myself and who I am and what I'm doing. <br /> <br /> Foreign. <br /> AND WHY OH WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THE BACKGROUND?<br /> I'm a background person . Always there but never there. but I'm not.. I'm a stand out person as well, otherwise people wouldnt remember me.. and people do remember me....<br /> so what was the point of that complaint?!?!<br /> ...<br /> WTF? <br /> what am I even talking about?<br /> <br /> I get it. *sorry XD analyzing my word vomit* I'm upset because I am remembered, but never for what I want to be remember for. <br /> What do I want to be remembered for?<br /> What do I think I am remembered for?<br /> I'm remembered for being happy and "funny".. <br /> that random portuguese person from such and such. <br /> So and so's random friend .<br /> XD Petra is so bubbly XD <br /> <br /> <br /> So I don't like this? I don't want to be happy and funny and random? <br /> what do I want to be then?<br /> <br /> Do I want to be fake? Am I already being fake?<br /> Is the fact that I will smile and be "pleasant" to people I don't really like fake?<br /> <br /> I can't believe I am doing the whole "I don't know who the real me is" thing...</div><br /><br />WHY AM I EMO-ING WHEN I HAVE A 3000 WORD LAB REPORT DUE ON WEDNSDAY?!<br /><br />What is it about deadlines that make me long post?!<br /><br />..<br /><br />I do not make sense